Technical and practical advice on how to ride a camel

In which our favourite camel expert Andy tells us what it’s really like to ride a camel. We’re sure it’s not that bad! What do you think of camels? Gentle giants or demons of the desert?

Come on Andy, it doesn't look that bad!?

Technical
1. Walk to the side of your camel, don’t stand in front as camels can nibble, sneeze or blow a big bubble of foam from their mouths.

Practical
1. Approach the hideous beast with caution, do not let it sense the imminent fear you will be experiencing. Sidle up to it sideways and with as much nonchalance as you can muster, do not make eye contact, camels are dangerous and vindictive, if you offend the creature in any way it will seek revenge.

Technical
2. Make sure your camel is tied to something or someone before you get on.

Practical
2. If the smelly beast charges make sure there is someone nearby you can throw into its path to prevent any harm to yourself. If a camel feels a violent urge it is usually not fussed on whom it exacts its wrath. Anyone will do, so make sure it has other options besides you.

Sally's camel looks quite sweet, really

Technical
3. Swing your leg over the back and place yourself in the middle. There is normally a stirrup to help you mount. But there will only be one. The stirrup is not used in riding it’s only used to assist you in getting on and off.

Practical
3. Leap onto the brute and hold on for dear life. This is the only way to prevent it getting wind that you plan to mount it, an impossibility if the monster is wise to you. You’ll be limbless before you know it otherwise.

Technical
4. The camel will get up from its back legs first, so lean back in your saddle as it starts to stand. The camel will then raise its front legs, as it does this you should lean forward.

Practical
4. Still clutching the fiend around the neck after your ninja-like mounting, begin wailing in despair and close your eyes. As it rises try to imagine yourself anywhere but where you are, if this is not possible turn to your God or other for guidance in this moment of horror.

Technical
5. Once you’re up adjust yourself so you are sitting in the middle of the saddle. If you’re a professional try to cross your legs in front which will distribute your weight more toward your rear and tailbone, it will be a more comfortable ride.

Practical
5. Continue with practical advice number 4.

Technical
6. Place one hand on the wooden handle at the front of the saddle and the other on the handle behind your seat. Sit comfortably and glide with the movement of the camel, don’t resist the sway… just relax.

Practical
6. Tense every muscle in your body and look around for a soft sandy area for you are inevitably about to fall off. Try not to land on your head although this may make the end quicker in case the swine decides to finish you off with powerful kicking and gnashing of its gigantic fangs, your choice how you would prefer to go.

Technical
7. Camels like to kiss and sniff each other, don’t be alarmed if the camel behind comes up very close to give your camel a peck on the butt, the camel behind might also like to have a little rub against your leg.

Practical
7. Camels will happily eat human cargo off the backs of other camels being extremely carnivorous as they are. If another camel approaches attack it with any weapon you have at hand. This may infuriate the camels’ owner in which case simply turn your attack on him, the smell of blood will hopefully entice the camel to attack his handler instead.

Technical
8. Camels love to eat carrots and apples, so pack an apple and give him a bite to eat whilst you enjoy a wonderful sunset

Practical
8. Camels feign an interest in vegetables and fruit; this is only to get you within chomping range. Do not fall for this trick or you will be minus a few digits or worse before you can scream “CAMELS ARE THE SPAWN OF SATAN!”

Be sure to try out riding a camel on one of our tours. It’s not that bad, honestly.

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3 Responses to Technical and practical advice on how to ride a camel

  1. ginger says:

    Your remarks about the noble camel are unnecessarily neg. This animal has served man
    well over centuries, more than any other animals. They provide travel, food, milk, cheese, and even after death, their skin for leather. Are YOU so useful?
    Show some respect for these amazing beasts.

  2. soph says:

    I LOVE CAMELS, ANDY YOU ARE GOD

  3. I was looking for info about camels for a novel I’m writing. I laughed till I cried…

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